land of the dead...

foods that is.

So, last night. I had a breakdown and ate ramen of all things. Well first, I had a cracker..which tasted like paper. They used to be my favorite 'low-fat' snack actually. I was fantasizing about eating them in chili but of course I don't have any chili and it was 1 am so I wasn't going to be making chili. So I thought, why not eat them in ramen? The dirty games your mind plays with you...

I went to the corner store and loaded up. I got crackers. TWO packs of ramen in the cup. A pack of fake onion rings (which turned out to be the favorite). And a pack of sunchips which used to be a favorite but I stopped being addicted to a while ago.  Anyway.

I came home and dove in. At first, the ramen tasted like heaven. Maybe because it was cooked and warm and salty. So far I had only grapes and bad, bad watermelon and water. So it was a deep contrast to other tastes that have been in my mouth for 2 weeks.

I don't know if it's psychology, physiology, or what. But what I ate last night was almost exactly what I ate the night before I began my fast. I had rabokki, a korean dish made with ramen noodles, crackers, and onion stick things.  I'm cringing at the amount of chemicals and preservatives and additives in these snacks I ate last night. I had trouble sleeping actually. The ramen tasted REALLY spicy, eventhough, before I could eat it without even blinking. I stayed awake for few hours just feeling the burning sensation all over my body. It reminded me of my first meditation retreat and how I drank some lemon and cayenne pepper in hot water to clear up a cold. And at my next meditation I felt like there was literally fire all over my body. I could feel these little burts of heat all over. Like little fires exploding in my cells. 

I felt so, so disappointed in myself. Ramen? of all things? Ramen. And it's not like I Didn't have some delicious grapes in the fridge... I just..I was feeling a little emotionally unbalanced after an outing with some of my Korean friends and...I wanted to stuff those emotions down. I didn't want to deal with them.

Then it came to me. Like a flash a light. This was never about food. It's never about food. My teacher always says that. That's why she doesn't really teach recipes and shit. She says it doesn't matter. You know how to make a salad. What we need to learn is WHY we want to put junk in our mouths. WHY we eat when we're not hungry. WHY nutrtition is not at the fore of our thoughts when we decide to put something in our mouth.  Her answer is meditation. And it's crazy because I keep searching and searching for 'the answer.'  And that's all it is. No money. Just time. And effort. Meditate.

She claims that we have nervous energy. From watching tv, from cell phones, from wireless internet, radiowaves.  Are nerves are shot so we try to stimulate ourselves..so we reach for food to comfort us, not just on a psychological level with our emotions but also on a physical level. And it's so clear now.

Yesterday I was so upset and I was like a robot. It didn't matter that I spent 2 weeks not eating. It mattered that in that moment I was angry and frustrated and wanted the feeling to go away. And before I knew it.. it's like I went unconscious ..I was in a store with several bags of JUNK in my hand. I couldn't stop myself.

Scary.

Now for what made me upset. I really need to take a look at that.
First I was upset that my friend smoked marijuana without me.  Not that have a right to be.. I just have this 'thing'... I hate feeling left out and I felt left out. And my mind was running wild wondering who she smoked with, did they laugh a lot? I don't know.. I guess the best word describe it is jealousy. Which is sad.. I should be happy for her..especially since I'm taking my ass to Amsterdam to get high myself..without her.. and I haven't told her this yet. So yeah, I guess I just didn't really want to look at the part of myself. I didn't want to admit that THAT was the feeling I was feeling. It's an embarassing feeling.

And then she climbed the highest mountain in Korea today...without me.  She only even knew about it because I told her about it. But again.. I just feel left out.. What if she meets someone really cool? or has a great story to tell that doesn't include me? or...again. Jealous.

It's kind of sad really. But I'm facing it this morning. I know that jealousy just really means that I'm not content doing what I'm doing. and I'm not. I was really ready for these 2 weeks. To go into isolation, you know?  But.. I spent it looking at food and obsessing. I should have spent that time meditating. But now I know. I didn't accomplish not ONE thing on my list of 'things' to do. Sadly... So yeah, I'm jealous. She was out doing stuff while I was alone.. thinking about food.

I was also emotionally disturbed because my friend, my korean friend. Well she's in love with me and does a lot of things for me..but there's these clashes that occur and I can never tell if they're language  barrier things or personality things.

She's really sensitive..or so it seems. She claims she's a B type..which really doesn't mean anything to me. She says I'm an A type. Which I've been told before, even by my childhood family doctor. Basically, that I'ma  perfectionist. B types I guess are more laid back creative types.

Anyway... Yesterday.. she took me to a jimjilbang and I got a body scrub and massage. But the main reason I wanted to go was to sweat all this junk out of my body in the sauna. Earlier she had mentioned she was going to go to a film festival. I asked her 2 or 3 times and she said plans can change. So I was like okay.. I guess she hadn't made up her mind.

Next thing I know.. my massage is over and she's getting ready to go. And I'm confused because I needed go sweat some of this shit out of my skin. But apparently she told her other friend that we were going to meet her. Which I couldn't understand. When did she tell me she had made up her mind to go?

So then I'm like.. ok..cool. I'll do the sauna another day. But I needed to get some juice because I still hadn't pooped..So I figured I should take it easy on the solids.  There's a particular cafe that makes actual juice. It's hard to get juice in Korea. they call juice.. smoothies.. with blended fruit, ice, and sugar/syrup. To me that's not juice. Which is ironic because Korea makes a lot of juicers.

Anyway. So I go home and you know I'm appreciating my new slimmer loook in the mirror for a few times. All my clothes are like falling off of me so I change quite a few times. And I realize I'm taking awhile.. but I always take awhile. So she calls me and I think.. ok I should hurry. And I go outside. and her friend is waiting. And I'm like.. again what the fuck? They want to take me to some random cafe for some random 'juice.'  At that point, I didn't even feel like going anymore..but I thought that was just my stubborn side emerging. But for real.. I was so tired. I NEEDED some fucking juice. And I really wanted to stick to the raw thing for at least 3 or 4 days to really try to build my nutrients back up. But I calmed myself and resigned to the idea that I'm basically going to fast..for another day. (All I had so far in the day was some homemade grape juice). 

Anyway. So I'm kind of annoyed at this point. I could have brought some grapes or something had they told me before or as I got in the car that we weren't going to the intended cafe. But no.. they waited until we were down the street and around teh corner. OR even if she told me to hurry up because her friend was coming to meet her at my apartment. Just so many things weren't communicated that would have affected my actions. I don't know.

Then for the rest of the evening I was just basically annoyed that they spoke in Korean and made no attempt to include me in their conversations.  When invite her around my english-speaking friends I always make the point to speak slowly, and explain things if I see she's losts or bored or what have you. But no such effort is made for me. Especially when it's clear they're talking about me or making plans that include me. It just fucking annoys me.

Nevermind I had to sit through a loud, loud Korean concert after the movie. Again, no one said anything about a fucking concert either. The shit was atrocious. Not because I couldn't understand..but because most Korean music is just bad. It's soul-less. It's like taking some wedding singer and making a whole country adore them like he was fucking Britney Spears circa 2000. It was just too much with this broke ass Marcarena inspired choreography. And the crowd was like...really going wild. I couldn't understand. And I mean.. I was just in SILENCE for 2 weeks. it was just too much.  It wasn't quite like emerging from a vipassana retreat or anything, but close.

So yeah.. those were the emotional frustrations leading up to me eating 2 cups of ramen and a bag of fake onion rings.. I guess last night I was blaming my friend because if I had some juice, I probably wouldn't have gotten cravings for all this shit. But it's my own fault.. I just shouldn't have went.. which comes back to me and my decision making.

Did I say how disgusting I feel?

And I still haven't pooed. 

I'm going to go eat (not ramen)...hopefully something involving vegetables...hopefully climb a mountain. Take an enema. And hopefully poo.  I'm contemplating taking a bentonite shake, but I dunno.  The thought of it still makes me gag.

I'm kind of sad to have rejoined the world of eating. Back to obsessing about my next meal. Not that I wasn't obsessing when I wasn't eating. But it didn't seem real. Now it's real.... I'm going to try not to let it take over my life.

Onward.