Ugh. Today was shit. I spent most of the day setting my alarm on my phone to wake me up to take my herbs or shake and sleeping/spacing out in between. I was fairly 'depressed' today. I got this strong urge to just stop. Started doubting the effectiveness of what I was doing. I practically gagged trying to swallow the 'shake' and also a few times trying to take the herb sets.
I upped the sets today from 4 each to 5 each because I wasn't having any bowel movements without the enema, and basically feeling moody and bloated. Upon reading the pamphlet about 'cleansing reactions' I realized I was taking too much psyllium. I should have been taking 2 teaspoons per shake but I was taking 2 tablespoons, which was essentially constipating me.
I also made sure, today, to stay steadfast to the schedule, I didn't miss any shakes or any herb sets. I also stayed very hydrated by drinking 12 oz of water with each herb set. I'm not a big water drinker in the first place, and on top of that I've been feeling so bloated, it's like there's no space for water. But I'm forcing myself..which means I basically just want to sleep/lay down. I haven't at all been as productive as I had intended to be during my stay here. But I'm okay with that. Kind of. I wish something interesting would come out so I could just know there's a benefit to me gagging down all these supplements. It's really starting to get to me. I'm thinking about just water fasting next week.
My skin has totally erupted as well as my chest. Not so unlike the last time I did this cleanse. I feel nervous as well. Which probably isn't helping matters. I guess I just wish there was a professional around to tell me all this is normal. I want to call Bev...badly even. I don't know what keeps stopping me. A feeling of inadequacy? I'll do it by the end of this week.
It also doesn't help that I keep reading bad things about ingesting bentonite online. I need guard my mind a little more carefully, because doubt is the last thing I need.
Also, a lot of old emotional stuff is resurfacing. It was never that deep beneath the surface, but now the shit is like dominating my conscious mind. It sucks. I wish someone could just tell me what to do to get over some of this shit. I'm ready to move on in so many ways from so many things.. but alas..here I am..stewing.
I'm dedicated to meditating regularly. That's the one thing I know is effective. Also my physical pains are bothering me. THe usual..neck...lower back. Today, while meditating I came to notice I pain right between my shoulder blades. I'm carrying so much stress in my physical body... ugh.
I'm also making up my mind to run 3 times a week on the C2K plan. I need to do something. I need some type of... release. Regularly. I don't want to literally, carry this shit with me anymore.
feeling when waking up
exhausted. nothing else to say about it really. I wanted to quit. I distracted myself with sleep, food porn, and Grey's Anatomy. I limited myself to one episode. I'm growing tired of the show actually. I'm so sick of Meredith's character. And George, I don't really like him either. And Christina, and Izzy...they're all annoying to me. I like Sloan the most..which is random..I thought he was dispicable at first..but I like his care-free-ness.
poo
I actually pooed three times today before my enema. Probably thanks to hydrating more and the extra pills. After my enema I felt light and empty. I actually did 2 for once. The second one came out pretty clear with some clear to green stringy mucus floating.
exercise
I just did some yoga for digestion.. maybe 20 minutes. I also jumped rope for like 30 seconds. I felt really lightheaded. I just kind of want to lose some weight while I'm here and get into the habit of doing some type of exercise daily, but there's just no space for anything vigorous like jumping rope. I hope I start to feel better soon. I really want to start tackling some things on my to-do list, but I guess excessive rest is good too.
energy
Low. Very low. I felt 'normal' for about 5 minutes after my enema..but that quickly went away when I had to swallow more pills. Ugh.
cravings
Damn. I was craving everything today. Most notably, I wanted chili with saltine crackers...extra tomatoe-y. I had a flashback to Honduras and Thailand and desperately wanted FRESH Fried fish with rice and beans and hot sauce. Falafel. Kimchi dumplings from this vegan restaurant in Seoul called Loving Hut. Mmm. and Tofu scramble with onions, bell peppers, spinach, in a wrap with salsa and hot sauce.
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I hope I have the energy to read some of the books I brought tomorrow. I really need some inspiration.
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