Day 9 & 10

Well yesterday was quite eventful. Into my second shake of the day and I threw up.  That was it for me. I think I just went about this all too aggressively...thinking I would just deal with whatever side effects of came up. Stubborn. Here I am 10 days later. Weak. Feeling like shit. Face looking...ghastly. And my body just straight up rejecting the supplements. I've decided to just water fast here on out. Plus, it's not much of a vacation to be watching the clock so steadfastly, waiting for my next supplement.  Not my idea of a good time. I spent the rest of the day napping. Consumed by my failure:  I should have followed the instructions. Namely, started out taking 2 shakes a day with alkaline foods and progress into no foods and 5 shakes a day. It was just too much.  I had a good plan to do this 21 day green smoothie detox before I came here, but I just got obsessed savoring my last bits of food 'freedom' before I came here.

Then as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night. I saw a frog on my window. In my curiosity, I went to take a picture.  Then as I was rinsing some dishes in the sink.. I noticed this glop of.. black.. 'stuff' ...I  had no idea what it could be. But I didn't let my imagination run away. Then I turned around to see a frog. In my room. Now I'm deathly afraid of animals. For a regular person.. it might have been cute and they would have just picked it up, escorted it outside, and moved on with their lives. But for me... this was a sordid affair. I screamed, ran into the bathroom, and tried to calm myself. I don't know if it was more the shock that I had JUST saw a frog outside the window, or that I didn't connect the brown goop in the sink to a creature inside my room, or that my mind was racing trying to figure out how the fuck it got inside.

Regardless. I was scared. Very scared. In that moment. I really had had enough. Especially after the fiasco with the roach-thing a couple nights previous.  Fears are such silly things.

Anway. I got a hold of myself and called a friend to talk me through putting a bowel over it, which took many attempts, but I was finally successful.  Still, I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake watching Grey's Anatomy so I couldn't hear it smacking itself against the bowel trying to escape.  Finally, this morning around 9:30, the ajumma came and so nonchalantly picked up the bowel, picked up the frog, and carried it to her son who seemed intrigued. Ugh... I felt so.. immature. But ..alas. a fear. is a fear. is a fear. I can't believe she just picked the thing up like that.

My friend continued to ask me if I wanted to come home..she would come pick me up, but I don't know if the frog was just the scapgoat I needed because I want to eat or if my intuition is telling me to get out of here for other reasons.  I'm really not accomplishing anything I set out to do so far. Nothing on my projects list has been tackles. I've mostly just been looking at food porn and watching Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if bringing my computer here was a mistake. Yeah, I can watch my yoga DVDs but I've only done three times so far to speak of.  Blah.. I feel like such a.. failure.. but it's not a failure I guess.  It's an experience. And it's teaching me next time I can't binge before I do something like this. I have to prepare myself physically and mentally.

I think my plan of action is to be as active as possibly for the next 3 days. Go home on Sunday and start refeeding on fruit only.  I'm thinking grapes and watermelon for 3 days. Then some steamed vegetables. Then by this weekend when I go to Seoul I can indulge in the Indian food I've been dreaming about.  Plan B is to ask one of my friends to bring me grapes and watermelon so I can start re-feeding in solitude, because apparently I have no will-power out in the real world. Then, I'd go home on Friday as planned. Honestly, I don't know if I can make it another week. I'm kind of going stir crazy. Probably  because I'm annoyed with myself for not doing anything I said I was going to do. And honestly, I haven't been 'this' alone for over 2 years. It's kind of scary. It's scary how attached you can get to a person.  To this omni-present ..presence. It's like your spending time even when you're not spending time. I thought I liked the company, but it changes you. I'm not even really in touch with myself anymore. 

I'm thinking I would like to do a longer Vippassana retreat. 20 days or whatever the next longest length is after the introduction one. I've done two now. I think you have to do 3 to do a longer one.  I'm kind of torn, because I know vipassana works. And by works I mean.. clears my mind..uncovers layers of my conscious that creates a pathway to my unconscious. But I've been reading this yoga book, and I'm also interested in that also. Because it also does breath work and talks about the kundalini energy..and I don't know what any of this shit means.. except in a vague sense but I find it all intriguing. At the root, vipassana is simple.  And I would also like to serve a course. And I would also like to go off for a year, at least, and just serve someone else because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life right now.

I've become really good at holding it all in. Holding it together. But how long can someone do that for before they become really cold or... bust?

Anyway. Today. Day 11. More sleeping intermittently and food porn. I actually attempted to go for a walk but got scared by some barking dogs. They were tied on leashes...but I had images of them getting loose and mauling me. God, I don't know where this deep fear of animals comes from. Well I do...I've been attacked a few times. But the shit is seriously making me into a paranoid freak.

feeling upon waking up
Tired. Depressed. Anxious. Though I didn't really 'wake up' .. I was waiting up for the frog to be removed.

dreams
I had dreams of hanging out with some friends from high school. Of course, revolving around food. My friend Allison and I driving to McDonald's for Big Macs and then stopping at Rita's for a water ice and a soft pretzel. And then my friend Matt...He and I went to an Italian restaurant for meatball and scamutz sandwiches and then we went to this chinese buffet call Young Hao...I had the kung pao chicken, the cheese wontons, the general tso's chicken, fried rice, egg rolls with a shit load of duck sauce, and vanilla soft serve icecream.  It always cracked us up about that restaurant that it said 'banana' over the soft serve flavors..but it was actually vanilla. Never could quite explain that one.

poo
Nothing. Though I'm a little gasy. I also didn't drink nearly enough water today. Maybe 8 oz., if that.

exercise
I walked outside? ha...

energy
Low. But I don't know if I should attribute that to my disappointed or what. I'm generally just depressed I guess.

cravings
I really wanted popcorn today. I even looked at popcorn poppers and added one to my wishlist on Amazon.com. I also was looking at no-cheese pizzas. I found this Greek pizza called Ladenia which I guess is traditionally made with no cheese and onions and tomatoes and dried oregano. If I can get my hands on a toaster oven, I think I'll try those post-fast. I also was thinking about the possibility of ordering pizza at restaurants with no cheese, if I have the will power. I also found this really cool Indian food blog. I found it by accidentally stumbling upon her recipe for vegan popcorn chicken in my quest for 'health popcorn' on google. Anyway yeah. Lots of mental cravings today, but I actually have a kind of full feeling in my stomach. Not full, like I just ate..and not full, like I just had one of my nasty ass shakes...just full like.. my body has absolutely no desire for food.

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I'm committing to do at least one thing on my to do list before I go to sleep.. Hopefully tomorrow brings some revelations. I feel so spacy and unclear. I thought fasting was supposed to bring clarity. It has in the past. Fuck clarity..it was more like a Euphoria. I think both times I was also in a tropical climate. It's becoming more and more clear I should have taken my ass to Jeju-do...but alas, you live. You learn.