Dreams
I woke up this morning in a really vivid dream. I was at bandcamp and there were band moms. And I had a gf. She was eerily similar to Topanga from Boy Meets World both in character and physical appearance. She didn't talk much in my dream though, but it's as though we were communicating telepathically. She would smile at me or I would look into her eyes and I would know exactly what she was feeling/thinking/experiencing. At one point, we were separated, and I was looking for food, as I often did at Friday night football games, and there was a sandwich stand, and for some reason I convinced myself the philly steak meat was vegetarian faux meat, but there were wings there also, real wings cooked in gravy. So I got the sandwich (apparently with the real steak meat), and had her top it with some gravy from the wings. I felt slightly bad about the gravy, eating meat juice and all, but I rationalized that at least I wasn't eating flesh.
I bit into it and it tasted like heaven.. I'm not sure if it really tasted like heaven or if it was just a case of something denied, something 'bad' was being allowed to happen. Like the rubber band effect. I was just saying the other day that I was 98% sure I wouldn't eat meat again. So what does this all mean? Old cravings popping up? I mean band camp, really? How many years ago was that? Topanga? I had a serious crush on her but when was the last time I saw an episode of Boy Meets World to even conceptualize her so accurately consciously. But I guess I'm not dealing with my conscious. I'm dealing with my sub-conscious, and who the fuck knows what's going on in there.
Anyway. I ate half the sandwich and hid the rest in my bag. I don't know if I was hiding that I had been eating in general, or that I had been eating meat. When I went back to the band, we were praying or something before our performance, and Topanga look-a-like had saved a seat for me. We held hands. She told me she could smell the flesh on my breath. I was embarrassed. I woke up shortly thereafter.
Another dream I had was about my ex. I feel like she's haunting me. I mean, really. It's been 3 years. Why can't I let it go. I mean really let it, her, the pain, go. In the dream, I wasn't angry, I wasn't mourning. It was just like it had been. We were at some type of public event. We made eye-contact. And rush of feelings came. Good feelings. The feelings of having a crush on someone. I wasn't instantaneously planning our future together. I was just enjoying the moment. I think that's the thing I missed most about her, I was really living in the moment, experiencing it ALL to the fullest. the joy, the pain. All of it.
Anyway, somehow later we met up in a parking lot. I felt so attracted to her. I can't recall what happened after that.
After all this time, I'm still trying to figure out how and why I was attracted to someone who was/is? so fucked up.
I've given up on judging her. It happened, and I learned valuable things from our time together. I wish her the best, but what about me? What did I do wrong? Love her too much? Was I smothering her? Did I hurt her in some way she hasn't made me aware of? I'm not milking old pain, I'm just trying to intellectually understand what my part was in it all, because clearly that was a large part of my lesson that I'm going to have to re-learn at some point in the future. My biggest guess, now, here, 3 years later, is that I wasn't being authentic with myself. I was making concessions and allowances I shouldn't have made. I wasn't listening to my very, very loud intuition. I wasn't being present to my feelings. I was settling for less than what I wanted. I was a coward. I wad in denial, and wanted to be there. I hid behind e-mail, because I didn't want to see the truth in her eyes. I guess that's my answer. I've been mad at her for lying to me, but shit, I was lying to myself.
Coincidentally, I read this yesterday right before falling asleep:
'During any cleanse it’s inevitable that not only will you clear out toxins and old sludgy buildup, but old emotions will most likely be released as well. For some, this is unexpected and a little unsettling, but the best way to handle it is to look at those emotions or feelings as they’re surfacing. Don’t delve in and live in the past, just let them go. They no longer affect you, after you realize that they brought you to the place you are now, and that it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be. They do not affect your future. How you act and think right now is the only thing that affects your future, and that’s not meant to make us anxious or stressed, but to excite and enliven us as every moment is truly a gift full of promise and a chance to create exactly the future you want!"
I'll try to remember that.
Poo
No poo to speak of. I had a bit of gas last night after drinking about a liter? of fresh cucumber juice. I instantly felt tons better with the cucumber juice. I think my body was clearly missing some vital nutrients. Next time I do some shit like this, I'm going to prepare. As in eat raw for at least a week, if not longer.
Exercise
No yoga. No jump rope. Nothing.
Energy
Yesterday my energy was way up compared to the previous days. I took one set of herbs around 9 pm. My face is starting to break out again. In the exact same places I broke out on 'Day 6' in Thailand. But last time I stopped the next day, I have 15 more days to see if I can clear up whatever internal problem is causing me to flare up in this one particular spot (around the creases by my nostrils and the center of my forehead down the bridge of my nose.)
Cravings
Yesterday, no real cravings to report. I looked at some raw food porn. At least now my porn is turning to healthier things. Looking at my flat stomach it's hard to crave bad things. I also fell upon this website called c2k. Called couch to 5k. It's a running program that promises to get you from the couch to doing 5k in 9 weeks. I want to be a runner. But then I read about how bad it is for our knees and joints and whatnot so I reconsidered. But something is appealing to me about doing something most people hate. Maybe I'll do it, just to do it. I think it's important to have fitness goals. I don't have any right now. I really like swimming but there's something very disheartening knowing I'm jumping into a vat of chemicals (chlorine and god knows what else). And our skin is very absorptive. I'm going to keep taking lessons until I learn how to tread water. But after that, I think I'll take up another hobby. I just wanted to know how to swim.
***********
Overall. As I sit here in cross-legged position, my thighs are noticeably smaller, my stomach is noticeably flatter. The role that usually bulges over the waist of my pants is considerably smaller. And I feel good. Really good, which probably means another healing crisis is coming on.
I'm going to have more cucumber juice today. An enema. Yoga. and jump rope.
No comments:
Post a Comment