Overall, my resolve about this fast was low yesterday. I thought about food a lot. I thought about the joy of eating. I went outside to throw away my garbage and my lemon and cucumber peels...and got a strong sniff of my neighbors barbequing. This being Korea. This, being a country where bulgogi is all the rave. I inhaled deeply. I used to love barbequing with my parents in the summer time. Especially hamburgers, corn, and sometimes my dad would buy a new york strip steak and I would drown it in A1 sauce, accompanied by a grilled baked potato similary drowned in sour cream butter, salt and pepper. I just took in the smell yesterday. It was like...smelling was like eating. It satisfied me in a really strange way. In Thailand, during my last cleanse, I always sat with Nat while she ate. Everyone thought I was torturing myself but it was like I was vicariously eating through them. There was no chance of me actually eating anything. I just REALLY liked smelling. Liken it to food porn, but in 4D. Is that what 4D is?3D plus smell? Anyway..
Yeah, I was euphoric about that for awhile and then images and tastes of falafel and Indian food danced in my head. The cravings, mentally, were very strong. But still, physically, nothing. I want nothing. If I'm still... and quiet. I can feel and hear the work being done inside me. I know the chance of me quitting early is very low. I'm happy today is Day 7. It's kind of a mini-landmark. After today I will have officially tied my longest fasts. Up until yesterday, I've sporadically had watermelon (day 1), weed juice (day 2), and cucumber juice (day 4,5)...I'm all out of produce so it's just water from here on out. I have about 4 more lemons which are for my enemas, but I've been squeezing half a lemon into warm water upon waking because Bev once told me it helps 'get things moving' in the morning. Also, I'm taking nurtritional supplements as part of my herb sets, so it's not a true fast, as m body isn't going to enter autolysis and start feeding on diseased tissue and what not. But I'm taking no solid (or liquid) foods. Which for me, this cleanse is just as much about the mental fast from food as it is the physical fast from food.
So yesterday, I didn't look at any food porn, but then of course I had that moment outside. But starting today, I'm going to be more disciplined. No 'entertainment'...no Grey's Anatomy, no food porn. I'm going to read about cleansing, and raw diets, and study Korean, and study yoga. I'll make a strong attempt to spend some time outside each day.. as it's really beautiful here and it would be silly to spend every daylight hour inside as I have been. That's another thing I noticed outside, after the initial joy of the bbq wore off. It's fucking beautiful here. and quiet. and I should go outside and enjoy it more. Which means waking my ass up at 4:30 and greeting the sun both with meditation and then sun salutations.
Overall, my energy is fine. Nothing profound or special about it. But I have yet to take my full dose of herbs and shakes since Day 2. That too, I shall resume today.
My skin has fully broke out. I have a rash around my nose, my forehead, my throat. It's painful, red, and burning. Toxins.
I also smell horrid. My armpits are on another level of smelly.
My breath is quite foul, it kind of smells like my poo actually. And my tongue is constantly coated with this white film. Kind of how your mouth might taste when you wake up in the morning if you haven't brushed you teeth the night before.. only times 10.
On to my paranoia. During yoga yesterday I noticed this huge, roach-looking insect on my ceiling. And I thought I would just kill it. Now usually, I don't kill creatures. I try to urge them outside, or capture them and take them outside. But this little critter truly inspired fear in me. So after yoga...I grabbed my flyswatter, and I was ready. And apparently so was she. I turned around to grab my squirt bottle of water (to knock it off the ceiling), and it was GONE. Trickly little bastard. I was scared. I didn't know if it fell, if it was hiding. I had no idea. So I proceeded about my evening.
Finally I turned off the light, and she emerged again. This time I was prepared. But again, she tricked me. Whoever said animals aren't smart, or can't think, or whatever, clearly hasn't spent anytime with one. Because this little bugger was playing games with me. I saw her crawl into a crevice in the ceiling. I sprayed some water into the crevice to scare her into staying there. I don't mind her being alive, as long as I don't have to look at her and long as she stays on the ceiling. But the thought of her coming off the ceiling and crawling into one of MY crevices, in the middle of the knight, scares the shit out of me. And so..she has to go.. or so I thought. I turned my back for a moment.. and she was trying to escape the flood I induced in her crevice. I was ready this time, not so taken aback by her large and scary appearance. But again, she outwitted me. She dove into another crevice before i could do anything.
This time.. I was frustrated..I squirted..and squirted...and squirted. Nothing. Didn't budge. At this point it was 3 am. I wanted to wake up at 4:30 am. But I was too scared to sleep. What if she came for revenge. I laid in bed staring at her crevice.. daring her to emerge. But she didn't. I contemplated sleepign in the bathroom on the floor. But..that just sounded gross, and cold. So I covered myself with my bed sheet, swaddled myself actually. and drifted off. This morning, there's no sign of her yet. But I'm still paranoid..looking above me every few minutes.
Oh fear, is such a silly thing.
Also, in the middle of the night, as I was lying still on my back (before the second installment of me vs. roach-thing) I heard a loud noise outside my windows and what seemed like footsteps. So, of course, with my heart racing and jumped up. There's two windows in my cabin that aren't covered with a blind or a curtain. And I think abou tthem often at night because someone can see me but I can't see them. I had a thought..to cover them a few times with blankets or towesl, but...I just wasn't motivated enough. But last night was plenty motivation for my ingenuity to kick it. I placed a beach towel sized towel in the crevice of the door to cover that window. And in the kitchen window I used a butterfly clip and sharp edge of teh window to hold up a blanket. I was impressed with my won quick thinking. I felt safer. Even if the fear that inspired me to act was in my head.
Dreams
Well, I didn't really sleep well so, I don't recall any of my dreams. Just roach things.
Poo
I thought I may have passed a small piece of mucoid plaque.. It was hard and rubbery, but it wasn't too hard to be dissected with my wooden chopsticks. So I'm not sure. But I did feel somewhat of a 'release' emotionally afterward. Also I felt a little tingly all over. I'm not sure what any of that means, but I'm still skeptical if it was really plaque or not. I still don't often poo on my own. Hence, I'm upping the water intake today, and trying to stick on schedule..eventhough I'm already 4 hours behind. I'm just going to reschedule things to stay on track.
Exercise
I did an hour of yin yoga.. the hip series. It's incredible how tight my hips are. I can barely hold some of the poses for a minute. I really dig Paul Grilley, but I foudn this other yin yoga broad online yesterday that I would like to check out. She seems very encouraging and detailed. And I like details. Paul is good for reasoning and anatomical understanding. Not so good on the motivation and correction stuff.
Energy
Again. nothing significant to report. But I've been distracted as well, I'm going to be paying more attetion to myself, and less attention to my tv and computer these next few days.
Cravings
falafel sandwich with extra pickles....mmm. Indian food: chana masala, dal makhani, aloo gobi..i'm trying not to fantasize about bread, I'd really like to not eat it after this cleanse, or at least limit myself to just once a week.
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I intend for today to be a productive day, as in, I take all my supplements and exercise and read/relax.
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