foods that is.
So, last night. I had a breakdown and ate ramen of all things. Well first, I had a cracker..which tasted like paper. They used to be my favorite 'low-fat' snack actually. I was fantasizing about eating them in chili but of course I don't have any chili and it was 1 am so I wasn't going to be making chili. So I thought, why not eat them in ramen? The dirty games your mind plays with you...
I went to the corner store and loaded up. I got crackers. TWO packs of ramen in the cup. A pack of fake onion rings (which turned out to be the favorite). And a pack of sunchips which used to be a favorite but I stopped being addicted to a while ago. Anyway.
I came home and dove in. At first, the ramen tasted like heaven. Maybe because it was cooked and warm and salty. So far I had only grapes and bad, bad watermelon and water. So it was a deep contrast to other tastes that have been in my mouth for 2 weeks.
I don't know if it's psychology, physiology, or what. But what I ate last night was almost exactly what I ate the night before I began my fast. I had rabokki, a korean dish made with ramen noodles, crackers, and onion stick things. I'm cringing at the amount of chemicals and preservatives and additives in these snacks I ate last night. I had trouble sleeping actually. The ramen tasted REALLY spicy, eventhough, before I could eat it without even blinking. I stayed awake for few hours just feeling the burning sensation all over my body. It reminded me of my first meditation retreat and how I drank some lemon and cayenne pepper in hot water to clear up a cold. And at my next meditation I felt like there was literally fire all over my body. I could feel these little burts of heat all over. Like little fires exploding in my cells.
I felt so, so disappointed in myself. Ramen? of all things? Ramen. And it's not like I Didn't have some delicious grapes in the fridge... I just..I was feeling a little emotionally unbalanced after an outing with some of my Korean friends and...I wanted to stuff those emotions down. I didn't want to deal with them.
Then it came to me. Like a flash a light. This was never about food. It's never about food. My teacher always says that. That's why she doesn't really teach recipes and shit. She says it doesn't matter. You know how to make a salad. What we need to learn is WHY we want to put junk in our mouths. WHY we eat when we're not hungry. WHY nutrtition is not at the fore of our thoughts when we decide to put something in our mouth. Her answer is meditation. And it's crazy because I keep searching and searching for 'the answer.' And that's all it is. No money. Just time. And effort. Meditate.
She claims that we have nervous energy. From watching tv, from cell phones, from wireless internet, radiowaves. Are nerves are shot so we try to stimulate ourselves..so we reach for food to comfort us, not just on a psychological level with our emotions but also on a physical level. And it's so clear now.
Yesterday I was so upset and I was like a robot. It didn't matter that I spent 2 weeks not eating. It mattered that in that moment I was angry and frustrated and wanted the feeling to go away. And before I knew it.. it's like I went unconscious ..I was in a store with several bags of JUNK in my hand. I couldn't stop myself.
Scary.
Now for what made me upset. I really need to take a look at that.
First I was upset that my friend smoked marijuana without me. Not that have a right to be.. I just have this 'thing'... I hate feeling left out and I felt left out. And my mind was running wild wondering who she smoked with, did they laugh a lot? I don't know.. I guess the best word describe it is jealousy. Which is sad.. I should be happy for her..especially since I'm taking my ass to Amsterdam to get high myself..without her.. and I haven't told her this yet. So yeah, I guess I just didn't really want to look at the part of myself. I didn't want to admit that THAT was the feeling I was feeling. It's an embarassing feeling.
And then she climbed the highest mountain in Korea today...without me. She only even knew about it because I told her about it. But again.. I just feel left out.. What if she meets someone really cool? or has a great story to tell that doesn't include me? or...again. Jealous.
It's kind of sad really. But I'm facing it this morning. I know that jealousy just really means that I'm not content doing what I'm doing. and I'm not. I was really ready for these 2 weeks. To go into isolation, you know? But.. I spent it looking at food and obsessing. I should have spent that time meditating. But now I know. I didn't accomplish not ONE thing on my list of 'things' to do. Sadly... So yeah, I'm jealous. She was out doing stuff while I was alone.. thinking about food.
I was also emotionally disturbed because my friend, my korean friend. Well she's in love with me and does a lot of things for me..but there's these clashes that occur and I can never tell if they're language barrier things or personality things.
She's really sensitive..or so it seems. She claims she's a B type..which really doesn't mean anything to me. She says I'm an A type. Which I've been told before, even by my childhood family doctor. Basically, that I'ma perfectionist. B types I guess are more laid back creative types.
Anyway... Yesterday.. she took me to a jimjilbang and I got a body scrub and massage. But the main reason I wanted to go was to sweat all this junk out of my body in the sauna. Earlier she had mentioned she was going to go to a film festival. I asked her 2 or 3 times and she said plans can change. So I was like okay.. I guess she hadn't made up her mind.
Next thing I know.. my massage is over and she's getting ready to go. And I'm confused because I needed go sweat some of this shit out of my skin. But apparently she told her other friend that we were going to meet her. Which I couldn't understand. When did she tell me she had made up her mind to go?
So then I'm like.. ok..cool. I'll do the sauna another day. But I needed to get some juice because I still hadn't pooped..So I figured I should take it easy on the solids. There's a particular cafe that makes actual juice. It's hard to get juice in Korea. they call juice.. smoothies.. with blended fruit, ice, and sugar/syrup. To me that's not juice. Which is ironic because Korea makes a lot of juicers.
Anyway. So I go home and you know I'm appreciating my new slimmer loook in the mirror for a few times. All my clothes are like falling off of me so I change quite a few times. And I realize I'm taking awhile.. but I always take awhile. So she calls me and I think.. ok I should hurry. And I go outside. and her friend is waiting. And I'm like.. again what the fuck? They want to take me to some random cafe for some random 'juice.' At that point, I didn't even feel like going anymore..but I thought that was just my stubborn side emerging. But for real.. I was so tired. I NEEDED some fucking juice. And I really wanted to stick to the raw thing for at least 3 or 4 days to really try to build my nutrients back up. But I calmed myself and resigned to the idea that I'm basically going to fast..for another day. (All I had so far in the day was some homemade grape juice).
Anyway. So I'm kind of annoyed at this point. I could have brought some grapes or something had they told me before or as I got in the car that we weren't going to the intended cafe. But no.. they waited until we were down the street and around teh corner. OR even if she told me to hurry up because her friend was coming to meet her at my apartment. Just so many things weren't communicated that would have affected my actions. I don't know.
Then for the rest of the evening I was just basically annoyed that they spoke in Korean and made no attempt to include me in their conversations. When invite her around my english-speaking friends I always make the point to speak slowly, and explain things if I see she's losts or bored or what have you. But no such effort is made for me. Especially when it's clear they're talking about me or making plans that include me. It just fucking annoys me.
Nevermind I had to sit through a loud, loud Korean concert after the movie. Again, no one said anything about a fucking concert either. The shit was atrocious. Not because I couldn't understand..but because most Korean music is just bad. It's soul-less. It's like taking some wedding singer and making a whole country adore them like he was fucking Britney Spears circa 2000. It was just too much with this broke ass Marcarena inspired choreography. And the crowd was like...really going wild. I couldn't understand. And I mean.. I was just in SILENCE for 2 weeks. it was just too much. It wasn't quite like emerging from a vipassana retreat or anything, but close.
So yeah.. those were the emotional frustrations leading up to me eating 2 cups of ramen and a bag of fake onion rings.. I guess last night I was blaming my friend because if I had some juice, I probably wouldn't have gotten cravings for all this shit. But it's my own fault.. I just shouldn't have went.. which comes back to me and my decision making.
Did I say how disgusting I feel?
And I still haven't pooed.
I'm going to go eat (not ramen)...hopefully something involving vegetables...hopefully climb a mountain. Take an enema. And hopefully poo. I'm contemplating taking a bentonite shake, but I dunno. The thought of it still makes me gag.
I'm kind of sad to have rejoined the world of eating. Back to obsessing about my next meal. Not that I wasn't obsessing when I wasn't eating. But it didn't seem real. Now it's real.... I'm going to try not to let it take over my life.
Onward.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Day 9 & 10
Well yesterday was quite eventful. Into my second shake of the day and I threw up. That was it for me. I think I just went about this all too aggressively...thinking I would just deal with whatever side effects of came up. Stubborn. Here I am 10 days later. Weak. Feeling like shit. Face looking...ghastly. And my body just straight up rejecting the supplements. I've decided to just water fast here on out. Plus, it's not much of a vacation to be watching the clock so steadfastly, waiting for my next supplement. Not my idea of a good time. I spent the rest of the day napping. Consumed by my failure: I should have followed the instructions. Namely, started out taking 2 shakes a day with alkaline foods and progress into no foods and 5 shakes a day. It was just too much. I had a good plan to do this 21 day green smoothie detox before I came here, but I just got obsessed savoring my last bits of food 'freedom' before I came here.
Then as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night. I saw a frog on my window. In my curiosity, I went to take a picture. Then as I was rinsing some dishes in the sink.. I noticed this glop of.. black.. 'stuff' ...I had no idea what it could be. But I didn't let my imagination run away. Then I turned around to see a frog. In my room. Now I'm deathly afraid of animals. For a regular person.. it might have been cute and they would have just picked it up, escorted it outside, and moved on with their lives. But for me... this was a sordid affair. I screamed, ran into the bathroom, and tried to calm myself. I don't know if it was more the shock that I had JUST saw a frog outside the window, or that I didn't connect the brown goop in the sink to a creature inside my room, or that my mind was racing trying to figure out how the fuck it got inside.
Regardless. I was scared. Very scared. In that moment. I really had had enough. Especially after the fiasco with the roach-thing a couple nights previous. Fears are such silly things.
Anway. I got a hold of myself and called a friend to talk me through putting a bowel over it, which took many attempts, but I was finally successful. Still, I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake watching Grey's Anatomy so I couldn't hear it smacking itself against the bowel trying to escape. Finally, this morning around 9:30, the ajumma came and so nonchalantly picked up the bowel, picked up the frog, and carried it to her son who seemed intrigued. Ugh... I felt so.. immature. But ..alas. a fear. is a fear. is a fear. I can't believe she just picked the thing up like that.
My friend continued to ask me if I wanted to come home..she would come pick me up, but I don't know if the frog was just the scapgoat I needed because I want to eat or if my intuition is telling me to get out of here for other reasons. I'm really not accomplishing anything I set out to do so far. Nothing on my projects list has been tackles. I've mostly just been looking at food porn and watching Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if bringing my computer here was a mistake. Yeah, I can watch my yoga DVDs but I've only done three times so far to speak of. Blah.. I feel like such a.. failure.. but it's not a failure I guess. It's an experience. And it's teaching me next time I can't binge before I do something like this. I have to prepare myself physically and mentally.
I think my plan of action is to be as active as possibly for the next 3 days. Go home on Sunday and start refeeding on fruit only. I'm thinking grapes and watermelon for 3 days. Then some steamed vegetables. Then by this weekend when I go to Seoul I can indulge in the Indian food I've been dreaming about. Plan B is to ask one of my friends to bring me grapes and watermelon so I can start re-feeding in solitude, because apparently I have no will-power out in the real world. Then, I'd go home on Friday as planned. Honestly, I don't know if I can make it another week. I'm kind of going stir crazy. Probably because I'm annoyed with myself for not doing anything I said I was going to do. And honestly, I haven't been 'this' alone for over 2 years. It's kind of scary. It's scary how attached you can get to a person. To this omni-present ..presence. It's like your spending time even when you're not spending time. I thought I liked the company, but it changes you. I'm not even really in touch with myself anymore.
I'm thinking I would like to do a longer Vippassana retreat. 20 days or whatever the next longest length is after the introduction one. I've done two now. I think you have to do 3 to do a longer one. I'm kind of torn, because I know vipassana works. And by works I mean.. clears my mind..uncovers layers of my conscious that creates a pathway to my unconscious. But I've been reading this yoga book, and I'm also interested in that also. Because it also does breath work and talks about the kundalini energy..and I don't know what any of this shit means.. except in a vague sense but I find it all intriguing. At the root, vipassana is simple. And I would also like to serve a course. And I would also like to go off for a year, at least, and just serve someone else because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life right now.
I've become really good at holding it all in. Holding it together. But how long can someone do that for before they become really cold or... bust?
Anyway. Today. Day 11. More sleeping intermittently and food porn. I actually attempted to go for a walk but got scared by some barking dogs. They were tied on leashes...but I had images of them getting loose and mauling me. God, I don't know where this deep fear of animals comes from. Well I do...I've been attacked a few times. But the shit is seriously making me into a paranoid freak.
feeling upon waking up
Tired. Depressed. Anxious. Though I didn't really 'wake up' .. I was waiting up for the frog to be removed.
dreams
I had dreams of hanging out with some friends from high school. Of course, revolving around food. My friend Allison and I driving to McDonald's for Big Macs and then stopping at Rita's for a water ice and a soft pretzel. And then my friend Matt...He and I went to an Italian restaurant for meatball and scamutz sandwiches and then we went to this chinese buffet call Young Hao...I had the kung pao chicken, the cheese wontons, the general tso's chicken, fried rice, egg rolls with a shit load of duck sauce, and vanilla soft serve icecream. It always cracked us up about that restaurant that it said 'banana' over the soft serve flavors..but it was actually vanilla. Never could quite explain that one.
poo
Nothing. Though I'm a little gasy. I also didn't drink nearly enough water today. Maybe 8 oz., if that.
exercise
I walked outside? ha...
energy
Low. But I don't know if I should attribute that to my disappointed or what. I'm generally just depressed I guess.
cravings
I really wanted popcorn today. I even looked at popcorn poppers and added one to my wishlist on Amazon.com. I also was looking at no-cheese pizzas. I found this Greek pizza called Ladenia which I guess is traditionally made with no cheese and onions and tomatoes and dried oregano. If I can get my hands on a toaster oven, I think I'll try those post-fast. I also was thinking about the possibility of ordering pizza at restaurants with no cheese, if I have the will power. I also found this really cool Indian food blog. I found it by accidentally stumbling upon her recipe for vegan popcorn chicken in my quest for 'health popcorn' on google. Anyway yeah. Lots of mental cravings today, but I actually have a kind of full feeling in my stomach. Not full, like I just ate..and not full, like I just had one of my nasty ass shakes...just full like.. my body has absolutely no desire for food.
*********
I'm committing to do at least one thing on my to do list before I go to sleep.. Hopefully tomorrow brings some revelations. I feel so spacy and unclear. I thought fasting was supposed to bring clarity. It has in the past. Fuck clarity..it was more like a Euphoria. I think both times I was also in a tropical climate. It's becoming more and more clear I should have taken my ass to Jeju-do...but alas, you live. You learn.
Then as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night. I saw a frog on my window. In my curiosity, I went to take a picture. Then as I was rinsing some dishes in the sink.. I noticed this glop of.. black.. 'stuff' ...I had no idea what it could be. But I didn't let my imagination run away. Then I turned around to see a frog. In my room. Now I'm deathly afraid of animals. For a regular person.. it might have been cute and they would have just picked it up, escorted it outside, and moved on with their lives. But for me... this was a sordid affair. I screamed, ran into the bathroom, and tried to calm myself. I don't know if it was more the shock that I had JUST saw a frog outside the window, or that I didn't connect the brown goop in the sink to a creature inside my room, or that my mind was racing trying to figure out how the fuck it got inside.
Regardless. I was scared. Very scared. In that moment. I really had had enough. Especially after the fiasco with the roach-thing a couple nights previous. Fears are such silly things.
Anway. I got a hold of myself and called a friend to talk me through putting a bowel over it, which took many attempts, but I was finally successful. Still, I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake watching Grey's Anatomy so I couldn't hear it smacking itself against the bowel trying to escape. Finally, this morning around 9:30, the ajumma came and so nonchalantly picked up the bowel, picked up the frog, and carried it to her son who seemed intrigued. Ugh... I felt so.. immature. But ..alas. a fear. is a fear. is a fear. I can't believe she just picked the thing up like that.
My friend continued to ask me if I wanted to come home..she would come pick me up, but I don't know if the frog was just the scapgoat I needed because I want to eat or if my intuition is telling me to get out of here for other reasons. I'm really not accomplishing anything I set out to do so far. Nothing on my projects list has been tackles. I've mostly just been looking at food porn and watching Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if bringing my computer here was a mistake. Yeah, I can watch my yoga DVDs but I've only done three times so far to speak of. Blah.. I feel like such a.. failure.. but it's not a failure I guess. It's an experience. And it's teaching me next time I can't binge before I do something like this. I have to prepare myself physically and mentally.
I think my plan of action is to be as active as possibly for the next 3 days. Go home on Sunday and start refeeding on fruit only. I'm thinking grapes and watermelon for 3 days. Then some steamed vegetables. Then by this weekend when I go to Seoul I can indulge in the Indian food I've been dreaming about. Plan B is to ask one of my friends to bring me grapes and watermelon so I can start re-feeding in solitude, because apparently I have no will-power out in the real world. Then, I'd go home on Friday as planned. Honestly, I don't know if I can make it another week. I'm kind of going stir crazy. Probably because I'm annoyed with myself for not doing anything I said I was going to do. And honestly, I haven't been 'this' alone for over 2 years. It's kind of scary. It's scary how attached you can get to a person. To this omni-present ..presence. It's like your spending time even when you're not spending time. I thought I liked the company, but it changes you. I'm not even really in touch with myself anymore.
I'm thinking I would like to do a longer Vippassana retreat. 20 days or whatever the next longest length is after the introduction one. I've done two now. I think you have to do 3 to do a longer one. I'm kind of torn, because I know vipassana works. And by works I mean.. clears my mind..uncovers layers of my conscious that creates a pathway to my unconscious. But I've been reading this yoga book, and I'm also interested in that also. Because it also does breath work and talks about the kundalini energy..and I don't know what any of this shit means.. except in a vague sense but I find it all intriguing. At the root, vipassana is simple. And I would also like to serve a course. And I would also like to go off for a year, at least, and just serve someone else because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life right now.
I've become really good at holding it all in. Holding it together. But how long can someone do that for before they become really cold or... bust?
Anyway. Today. Day 11. More sleeping intermittently and food porn. I actually attempted to go for a walk but got scared by some barking dogs. They were tied on leashes...but I had images of them getting loose and mauling me. God, I don't know where this deep fear of animals comes from. Well I do...I've been attacked a few times. But the shit is seriously making me into a paranoid freak.
feeling upon waking up
Tired. Depressed. Anxious. Though I didn't really 'wake up' .. I was waiting up for the frog to be removed.
dreams
I had dreams of hanging out with some friends from high school. Of course, revolving around food. My friend Allison and I driving to McDonald's for Big Macs and then stopping at Rita's for a water ice and a soft pretzel. And then my friend Matt...He and I went to an Italian restaurant for meatball and scamutz sandwiches and then we went to this chinese buffet call Young Hao...I had the kung pao chicken, the cheese wontons, the general tso's chicken, fried rice, egg rolls with a shit load of duck sauce, and vanilla soft serve icecream. It always cracked us up about that restaurant that it said 'banana' over the soft serve flavors..but it was actually vanilla. Never could quite explain that one.
poo
Nothing. Though I'm a little gasy. I also didn't drink nearly enough water today. Maybe 8 oz., if that.
exercise
I walked outside? ha...
energy
Low. But I don't know if I should attribute that to my disappointed or what. I'm generally just depressed I guess.
cravings
I really wanted popcorn today. I even looked at popcorn poppers and added one to my wishlist on Amazon.com. I also was looking at no-cheese pizzas. I found this Greek pizza called Ladenia which I guess is traditionally made with no cheese and onions and tomatoes and dried oregano. If I can get my hands on a toaster oven, I think I'll try those post-fast. I also was thinking about the possibility of ordering pizza at restaurants with no cheese, if I have the will power. I also found this really cool Indian food blog. I found it by accidentally stumbling upon her recipe for vegan popcorn chicken in my quest for 'health popcorn' on google. Anyway yeah. Lots of mental cravings today, but I actually have a kind of full feeling in my stomach. Not full, like I just ate..and not full, like I just had one of my nasty ass shakes...just full like.. my body has absolutely no desire for food.
*********
I'm committing to do at least one thing on my to do list before I go to sleep.. Hopefully tomorrow brings some revelations. I feel so spacy and unclear. I thought fasting was supposed to bring clarity. It has in the past. Fuck clarity..it was more like a Euphoria. I think both times I was also in a tropical climate. It's becoming more and more clear I should have taken my ass to Jeju-do...but alas, you live. You learn.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Day 8
Ugh. Today was shit. I spent most of the day setting my alarm on my phone to wake me up to take my herbs or shake and sleeping/spacing out in between. I was fairly 'depressed' today. I got this strong urge to just stop. Started doubting the effectiveness of what I was doing. I practically gagged trying to swallow the 'shake' and also a few times trying to take the herb sets.
I upped the sets today from 4 each to 5 each because I wasn't having any bowel movements without the enema, and basically feeling moody and bloated. Upon reading the pamphlet about 'cleansing reactions' I realized I was taking too much psyllium. I should have been taking 2 teaspoons per shake but I was taking 2 tablespoons, which was essentially constipating me.
I also made sure, today, to stay steadfast to the schedule, I didn't miss any shakes or any herb sets. I also stayed very hydrated by drinking 12 oz of water with each herb set. I'm not a big water drinker in the first place, and on top of that I've been feeling so bloated, it's like there's no space for water. But I'm forcing myself..which means I basically just want to sleep/lay down. I haven't at all been as productive as I had intended to be during my stay here. But I'm okay with that. Kind of. I wish something interesting would come out so I could just know there's a benefit to me gagging down all these supplements. It's really starting to get to me. I'm thinking about just water fasting next week.
My skin has totally erupted as well as my chest. Not so unlike the last time I did this cleanse. I feel nervous as well. Which probably isn't helping matters. I guess I just wish there was a professional around to tell me all this is normal. I want to call Bev...badly even. I don't know what keeps stopping me. A feeling of inadequacy? I'll do it by the end of this week.
It also doesn't help that I keep reading bad things about ingesting bentonite online. I need guard my mind a little more carefully, because doubt is the last thing I need.
Also, a lot of old emotional stuff is resurfacing. It was never that deep beneath the surface, but now the shit is like dominating my conscious mind. It sucks. I wish someone could just tell me what to do to get over some of this shit. I'm ready to move on in so many ways from so many things.. but alas..here I am..stewing.
I'm dedicated to meditating regularly. That's the one thing I know is effective. Also my physical pains are bothering me. THe usual..neck...lower back. Today, while meditating I came to notice I pain right between my shoulder blades. I'm carrying so much stress in my physical body... ugh.
I'm also making up my mind to run 3 times a week on the C2K plan. I need to do something. I need some type of... release. Regularly. I don't want to literally, carry this shit with me anymore.
feeling when waking up
exhausted. nothing else to say about it really. I wanted to quit. I distracted myself with sleep, food porn, and Grey's Anatomy. I limited myself to one episode. I'm growing tired of the show actually. I'm so sick of Meredith's character. And George, I don't really like him either. And Christina, and Izzy...they're all annoying to me. I like Sloan the most..which is random..I thought he was dispicable at first..but I like his care-free-ness.
poo
I actually pooed three times today before my enema. Probably thanks to hydrating more and the extra pills. After my enema I felt light and empty. I actually did 2 for once. The second one came out pretty clear with some clear to green stringy mucus floating.
exercise
I just did some yoga for digestion.. maybe 20 minutes. I also jumped rope for like 30 seconds. I felt really lightheaded. I just kind of want to lose some weight while I'm here and get into the habit of doing some type of exercise daily, but there's just no space for anything vigorous like jumping rope. I hope I start to feel better soon. I really want to start tackling some things on my to-do list, but I guess excessive rest is good too.
energy
Low. Very low. I felt 'normal' for about 5 minutes after my enema..but that quickly went away when I had to swallow more pills. Ugh.
cravings
Damn. I was craving everything today. Most notably, I wanted chili with saltine crackers...extra tomatoe-y. I had a flashback to Honduras and Thailand and desperately wanted FRESH Fried fish with rice and beans and hot sauce. Falafel. Kimchi dumplings from this vegan restaurant in Seoul called Loving Hut. Mmm. and Tofu scramble with onions, bell peppers, spinach, in a wrap with salsa and hot sauce.
************
I hope I have the energy to read some of the books I brought tomorrow. I really need some inspiration.
I upped the sets today from 4 each to 5 each because I wasn't having any bowel movements without the enema, and basically feeling moody and bloated. Upon reading the pamphlet about 'cleansing reactions' I realized I was taking too much psyllium. I should have been taking 2 teaspoons per shake but I was taking 2 tablespoons, which was essentially constipating me.
I also made sure, today, to stay steadfast to the schedule, I didn't miss any shakes or any herb sets. I also stayed very hydrated by drinking 12 oz of water with each herb set. I'm not a big water drinker in the first place, and on top of that I've been feeling so bloated, it's like there's no space for water. But I'm forcing myself..which means I basically just want to sleep/lay down. I haven't at all been as productive as I had intended to be during my stay here. But I'm okay with that. Kind of. I wish something interesting would come out so I could just know there's a benefit to me gagging down all these supplements. It's really starting to get to me. I'm thinking about just water fasting next week.
My skin has totally erupted as well as my chest. Not so unlike the last time I did this cleanse. I feel nervous as well. Which probably isn't helping matters. I guess I just wish there was a professional around to tell me all this is normal. I want to call Bev...badly even. I don't know what keeps stopping me. A feeling of inadequacy? I'll do it by the end of this week.
It also doesn't help that I keep reading bad things about ingesting bentonite online. I need guard my mind a little more carefully, because doubt is the last thing I need.
Also, a lot of old emotional stuff is resurfacing. It was never that deep beneath the surface, but now the shit is like dominating my conscious mind. It sucks. I wish someone could just tell me what to do to get over some of this shit. I'm ready to move on in so many ways from so many things.. but alas..here I am..stewing.
I'm dedicated to meditating regularly. That's the one thing I know is effective. Also my physical pains are bothering me. THe usual..neck...lower back. Today, while meditating I came to notice I pain right between my shoulder blades. I'm carrying so much stress in my physical body... ugh.
I'm also making up my mind to run 3 times a week on the C2K plan. I need to do something. I need some type of... release. Regularly. I don't want to literally, carry this shit with me anymore.
feeling when waking up
exhausted. nothing else to say about it really. I wanted to quit. I distracted myself with sleep, food porn, and Grey's Anatomy. I limited myself to one episode. I'm growing tired of the show actually. I'm so sick of Meredith's character. And George, I don't really like him either. And Christina, and Izzy...they're all annoying to me. I like Sloan the most..which is random..I thought he was dispicable at first..but I like his care-free-ness.
poo
I actually pooed three times today before my enema. Probably thanks to hydrating more and the extra pills. After my enema I felt light and empty. I actually did 2 for once. The second one came out pretty clear with some clear to green stringy mucus floating.
exercise
I just did some yoga for digestion.. maybe 20 minutes. I also jumped rope for like 30 seconds. I felt really lightheaded. I just kind of want to lose some weight while I'm here and get into the habit of doing some type of exercise daily, but there's just no space for anything vigorous like jumping rope. I hope I start to feel better soon. I really want to start tackling some things on my to-do list, but I guess excessive rest is good too.
energy
Low. Very low. I felt 'normal' for about 5 minutes after my enema..but that quickly went away when I had to swallow more pills. Ugh.
cravings
Damn. I was craving everything today. Most notably, I wanted chili with saltine crackers...extra tomatoe-y. I had a flashback to Honduras and Thailand and desperately wanted FRESH Fried fish with rice and beans and hot sauce. Falafel. Kimchi dumplings from this vegan restaurant in Seoul called Loving Hut. Mmm. and Tofu scramble with onions, bell peppers, spinach, in a wrap with salsa and hot sauce.
************
I hope I have the energy to read some of the books I brought tomorrow. I really need some inspiration.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Day 6: Paranoia
Overall, my resolve about this fast was low yesterday. I thought about food a lot. I thought about the joy of eating. I went outside to throw away my garbage and my lemon and cucumber peels...and got a strong sniff of my neighbors barbequing. This being Korea. This, being a country where bulgogi is all the rave. I inhaled deeply. I used to love barbequing with my parents in the summer time. Especially hamburgers, corn, and sometimes my dad would buy a new york strip steak and I would drown it in A1 sauce, accompanied by a grilled baked potato similary drowned in sour cream butter, salt and pepper. I just took in the smell yesterday. It was like...smelling was like eating. It satisfied me in a really strange way. In Thailand, during my last cleanse, I always sat with Nat while she ate. Everyone thought I was torturing myself but it was like I was vicariously eating through them. There was no chance of me actually eating anything. I just REALLY liked smelling. Liken it to food porn, but in 4D. Is that what 4D is?3D plus smell? Anyway..
Yeah, I was euphoric about that for awhile and then images and tastes of falafel and Indian food danced in my head. The cravings, mentally, were very strong. But still, physically, nothing. I want nothing. If I'm still... and quiet. I can feel and hear the work being done inside me. I know the chance of me quitting early is very low. I'm happy today is Day 7. It's kind of a mini-landmark. After today I will have officially tied my longest fasts. Up until yesterday, I've sporadically had watermelon (day 1), weed juice (day 2), and cucumber juice (day 4,5)...I'm all out of produce so it's just water from here on out. I have about 4 more lemons which are for my enemas, but I've been squeezing half a lemon into warm water upon waking because Bev once told me it helps 'get things moving' in the morning. Also, I'm taking nurtritional supplements as part of my herb sets, so it's not a true fast, as m body isn't going to enter autolysis and start feeding on diseased tissue and what not. But I'm taking no solid (or liquid) foods. Which for me, this cleanse is just as much about the mental fast from food as it is the physical fast from food.
So yesterday, I didn't look at any food porn, but then of course I had that moment outside. But starting today, I'm going to be more disciplined. No 'entertainment'...no Grey's Anatomy, no food porn. I'm going to read about cleansing, and raw diets, and study Korean, and study yoga. I'll make a strong attempt to spend some time outside each day.. as it's really beautiful here and it would be silly to spend every daylight hour inside as I have been. That's another thing I noticed outside, after the initial joy of the bbq wore off. It's fucking beautiful here. and quiet. and I should go outside and enjoy it more. Which means waking my ass up at 4:30 and greeting the sun both with meditation and then sun salutations.
Overall, my energy is fine. Nothing profound or special about it. But I have yet to take my full dose of herbs and shakes since Day 2. That too, I shall resume today.
My skin has fully broke out. I have a rash around my nose, my forehead, my throat. It's painful, red, and burning. Toxins.
I also smell horrid. My armpits are on another level of smelly.
My breath is quite foul, it kind of smells like my poo actually. And my tongue is constantly coated with this white film. Kind of how your mouth might taste when you wake up in the morning if you haven't brushed you teeth the night before.. only times 10.
On to my paranoia. During yoga yesterday I noticed this huge, roach-looking insect on my ceiling. And I thought I would just kill it. Now usually, I don't kill creatures. I try to urge them outside, or capture them and take them outside. But this little critter truly inspired fear in me. So after yoga...I grabbed my flyswatter, and I was ready. And apparently so was she. I turned around to grab my squirt bottle of water (to knock it off the ceiling), and it was GONE. Trickly little bastard. I was scared. I didn't know if it fell, if it was hiding. I had no idea. So I proceeded about my evening.
Finally I turned off the light, and she emerged again. This time I was prepared. But again, she tricked me. Whoever said animals aren't smart, or can't think, or whatever, clearly hasn't spent anytime with one. Because this little bugger was playing games with me. I saw her crawl into a crevice in the ceiling. I sprayed some water into the crevice to scare her into staying there. I don't mind her being alive, as long as I don't have to look at her and long as she stays on the ceiling. But the thought of her coming off the ceiling and crawling into one of MY crevices, in the middle of the knight, scares the shit out of me. And so..she has to go.. or so I thought. I turned my back for a moment.. and she was trying to escape the flood I induced in her crevice. I was ready this time, not so taken aback by her large and scary appearance. But again, she outwitted me. She dove into another crevice before i could do anything.
This time.. I was frustrated..I squirted..and squirted...and squirted. Nothing. Didn't budge. At this point it was 3 am. I wanted to wake up at 4:30 am. But I was too scared to sleep. What if she came for revenge. I laid in bed staring at her crevice.. daring her to emerge. But she didn't. I contemplated sleepign in the bathroom on the floor. But..that just sounded gross, and cold. So I covered myself with my bed sheet, swaddled myself actually. and drifted off. This morning, there's no sign of her yet. But I'm still paranoid..looking above me every few minutes.
Oh fear, is such a silly thing.
Also, in the middle of the night, as I was lying still on my back (before the second installment of me vs. roach-thing) I heard a loud noise outside my windows and what seemed like footsteps. So, of course, with my heart racing and jumped up. There's two windows in my cabin that aren't covered with a blind or a curtain. And I think abou tthem often at night because someone can see me but I can't see them. I had a thought..to cover them a few times with blankets or towesl, but...I just wasn't motivated enough. But last night was plenty motivation for my ingenuity to kick it. I placed a beach towel sized towel in the crevice of the door to cover that window. And in the kitchen window I used a butterfly clip and sharp edge of teh window to hold up a blanket. I was impressed with my won quick thinking. I felt safer. Even if the fear that inspired me to act was in my head.
Dreams
Well, I didn't really sleep well so, I don't recall any of my dreams. Just roach things.
Poo
I thought I may have passed a small piece of mucoid plaque.. It was hard and rubbery, but it wasn't too hard to be dissected with my wooden chopsticks. So I'm not sure. But I did feel somewhat of a 'release' emotionally afterward. Also I felt a little tingly all over. I'm not sure what any of that means, but I'm still skeptical if it was really plaque or not. I still don't often poo on my own. Hence, I'm upping the water intake today, and trying to stick on schedule..eventhough I'm already 4 hours behind. I'm just going to reschedule things to stay on track.
Exercise
I did an hour of yin yoga.. the hip series. It's incredible how tight my hips are. I can barely hold some of the poses for a minute. I really dig Paul Grilley, but I foudn this other yin yoga broad online yesterday that I would like to check out. She seems very encouraging and detailed. And I like details. Paul is good for reasoning and anatomical understanding. Not so good on the motivation and correction stuff.
Energy
Again. nothing significant to report. But I've been distracted as well, I'm going to be paying more attetion to myself, and less attention to my tv and computer these next few days.
Cravings
falafel sandwich with extra pickles....mmm. Indian food: chana masala, dal makhani, aloo gobi..i'm trying not to fantasize about bread, I'd really like to not eat it after this cleanse, or at least limit myself to just once a week.
**********
I intend for today to be a productive day, as in, I take all my supplements and exercise and read/relax.
Yeah, I was euphoric about that for awhile and then images and tastes of falafel and Indian food danced in my head. The cravings, mentally, were very strong. But still, physically, nothing. I want nothing. If I'm still... and quiet. I can feel and hear the work being done inside me. I know the chance of me quitting early is very low. I'm happy today is Day 7. It's kind of a mini-landmark. After today I will have officially tied my longest fasts. Up until yesterday, I've sporadically had watermelon (day 1), weed juice (day 2), and cucumber juice (day 4,5)...I'm all out of produce so it's just water from here on out. I have about 4 more lemons which are for my enemas, but I've been squeezing half a lemon into warm water upon waking because Bev once told me it helps 'get things moving' in the morning. Also, I'm taking nurtritional supplements as part of my herb sets, so it's not a true fast, as m body isn't going to enter autolysis and start feeding on diseased tissue and what not. But I'm taking no solid (or liquid) foods. Which for me, this cleanse is just as much about the mental fast from food as it is the physical fast from food.
So yesterday, I didn't look at any food porn, but then of course I had that moment outside. But starting today, I'm going to be more disciplined. No 'entertainment'...no Grey's Anatomy, no food porn. I'm going to read about cleansing, and raw diets, and study Korean, and study yoga. I'll make a strong attempt to spend some time outside each day.. as it's really beautiful here and it would be silly to spend every daylight hour inside as I have been. That's another thing I noticed outside, after the initial joy of the bbq wore off. It's fucking beautiful here. and quiet. and I should go outside and enjoy it more. Which means waking my ass up at 4:30 and greeting the sun both with meditation and then sun salutations.
Overall, my energy is fine. Nothing profound or special about it. But I have yet to take my full dose of herbs and shakes since Day 2. That too, I shall resume today.
My skin has fully broke out. I have a rash around my nose, my forehead, my throat. It's painful, red, and burning. Toxins.
I also smell horrid. My armpits are on another level of smelly.
My breath is quite foul, it kind of smells like my poo actually. And my tongue is constantly coated with this white film. Kind of how your mouth might taste when you wake up in the morning if you haven't brushed you teeth the night before.. only times 10.
On to my paranoia. During yoga yesterday I noticed this huge, roach-looking insect on my ceiling. And I thought I would just kill it. Now usually, I don't kill creatures. I try to urge them outside, or capture them and take them outside. But this little critter truly inspired fear in me. So after yoga...I grabbed my flyswatter, and I was ready. And apparently so was she. I turned around to grab my squirt bottle of water (to knock it off the ceiling), and it was GONE. Trickly little bastard. I was scared. I didn't know if it fell, if it was hiding. I had no idea. So I proceeded about my evening.
Finally I turned off the light, and she emerged again. This time I was prepared. But again, she tricked me. Whoever said animals aren't smart, or can't think, or whatever, clearly hasn't spent anytime with one. Because this little bugger was playing games with me. I saw her crawl into a crevice in the ceiling. I sprayed some water into the crevice to scare her into staying there. I don't mind her being alive, as long as I don't have to look at her and long as she stays on the ceiling. But the thought of her coming off the ceiling and crawling into one of MY crevices, in the middle of the knight, scares the shit out of me. And so..she has to go.. or so I thought. I turned my back for a moment.. and she was trying to escape the flood I induced in her crevice. I was ready this time, not so taken aback by her large and scary appearance. But again, she outwitted me. She dove into another crevice before i could do anything.
This time.. I was frustrated..I squirted..and squirted...and squirted. Nothing. Didn't budge. At this point it was 3 am. I wanted to wake up at 4:30 am. But I was too scared to sleep. What if she came for revenge. I laid in bed staring at her crevice.. daring her to emerge. But she didn't. I contemplated sleepign in the bathroom on the floor. But..that just sounded gross, and cold. So I covered myself with my bed sheet, swaddled myself actually. and drifted off. This morning, there's no sign of her yet. But I'm still paranoid..looking above me every few minutes.
Oh fear, is such a silly thing.
Also, in the middle of the night, as I was lying still on my back (before the second installment of me vs. roach-thing) I heard a loud noise outside my windows and what seemed like footsteps. So, of course, with my heart racing and jumped up. There's two windows in my cabin that aren't covered with a blind or a curtain. And I think abou tthem often at night because someone can see me but I can't see them. I had a thought..to cover them a few times with blankets or towesl, but...I just wasn't motivated enough. But last night was plenty motivation for my ingenuity to kick it. I placed a beach towel sized towel in the crevice of the door to cover that window. And in the kitchen window I used a butterfly clip and sharp edge of teh window to hold up a blanket. I was impressed with my won quick thinking. I felt safer. Even if the fear that inspired me to act was in my head.
Dreams
Well, I didn't really sleep well so, I don't recall any of my dreams. Just roach things.
Poo
I thought I may have passed a small piece of mucoid plaque.. It was hard and rubbery, but it wasn't too hard to be dissected with my wooden chopsticks. So I'm not sure. But I did feel somewhat of a 'release' emotionally afterward. Also I felt a little tingly all over. I'm not sure what any of that means, but I'm still skeptical if it was really plaque or not. I still don't often poo on my own. Hence, I'm upping the water intake today, and trying to stick on schedule..eventhough I'm already 4 hours behind. I'm just going to reschedule things to stay on track.
Exercise
I did an hour of yin yoga.. the hip series. It's incredible how tight my hips are. I can barely hold some of the poses for a minute. I really dig Paul Grilley, but I foudn this other yin yoga broad online yesterday that I would like to check out. She seems very encouraging and detailed. And I like details. Paul is good for reasoning and anatomical understanding. Not so good on the motivation and correction stuff.
Energy
Again. nothing significant to report. But I've been distracted as well, I'm going to be paying more attetion to myself, and less attention to my tv and computer these next few days.
Cravings
falafel sandwich with extra pickles....mmm. Indian food: chana masala, dal makhani, aloo gobi..i'm trying not to fantasize about bread, I'd really like to not eat it after this cleanse, or at least limit myself to just once a week.
**********
I intend for today to be a productive day, as in, I take all my supplements and exercise and read/relax.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Day 5
Today is 'Day 6,' but I'm writing about 'Day 5'
Dreams
I woke up this morning in a really vivid dream. I was at bandcamp and there were band moms. And I had a gf. She was eerily similar to Topanga from Boy Meets World both in character and physical appearance. She didn't talk much in my dream though, but it's as though we were communicating telepathically. She would smile at me or I would look into her eyes and I would know exactly what she was feeling/thinking/experiencing. At one point, we were separated, and I was looking for food, as I often did at Friday night football games, and there was a sandwich stand, and for some reason I convinced myself the philly steak meat was vegetarian faux meat, but there were wings there also, real wings cooked in gravy. So I got the sandwich (apparently with the real steak meat), and had her top it with some gravy from the wings. I felt slightly bad about the gravy, eating meat juice and all, but I rationalized that at least I wasn't eating flesh.
I bit into it and it tasted like heaven.. I'm not sure if it really tasted like heaven or if it was just a case of something denied, something 'bad' was being allowed to happen. Like the rubber band effect. I was just saying the other day that I was 98% sure I wouldn't eat meat again. So what does this all mean? Old cravings popping up? I mean band camp, really? How many years ago was that? Topanga? I had a serious crush on her but when was the last time I saw an episode of Boy Meets World to even conceptualize her so accurately consciously. But I guess I'm not dealing with my conscious. I'm dealing with my sub-conscious, and who the fuck knows what's going on in there.
Anyway. I ate half the sandwich and hid the rest in my bag. I don't know if I was hiding that I had been eating in general, or that I had been eating meat. When I went back to the band, we were praying or something before our performance, and Topanga look-a-like had saved a seat for me. We held hands. She told me she could smell the flesh on my breath. I was embarrassed. I woke up shortly thereafter.
Another dream I had was about my ex. I feel like she's haunting me. I mean, really. It's been 3 years. Why can't I let it go. I mean really let it, her, the pain, go. In the dream, I wasn't angry, I wasn't mourning. It was just like it had been. We were at some type of public event. We made eye-contact. And rush of feelings came. Good feelings. The feelings of having a crush on someone. I wasn't instantaneously planning our future together. I was just enjoying the moment. I think that's the thing I missed most about her, I was really living in the moment, experiencing it ALL to the fullest. the joy, the pain. All of it.
Anyway, somehow later we met up in a parking lot. I felt so attracted to her. I can't recall what happened after that.
After all this time, I'm still trying to figure out how and why I was attracted to someone who was/is? so fucked up.
I've given up on judging her. It happened, and I learned valuable things from our time together. I wish her the best, but what about me? What did I do wrong? Love her too much? Was I smothering her? Did I hurt her in some way she hasn't made me aware of? I'm not milking old pain, I'm just trying to intellectually understand what my part was in it all, because clearly that was a large part of my lesson that I'm going to have to re-learn at some point in the future. My biggest guess, now, here, 3 years later, is that I wasn't being authentic with myself. I was making concessions and allowances I shouldn't have made. I wasn't listening to my very, very loud intuition. I wasn't being present to my feelings. I was settling for less than what I wanted. I was a coward. I wad in denial, and wanted to be there. I hid behind e-mail, because I didn't want to see the truth in her eyes. I guess that's my answer. I've been mad at her for lying to me, but shit, I was lying to myself.
Coincidentally, I read this yesterday right before falling asleep:
I'll try to remember that.
Poo
No poo to speak of. I had a bit of gas last night after drinking about a liter? of fresh cucumber juice. I instantly felt tons better with the cucumber juice. I think my body was clearly missing some vital nutrients. Next time I do some shit like this, I'm going to prepare. As in eat raw for at least a week, if not longer.
Exercise
No yoga. No jump rope. Nothing.
Energy
Yesterday my energy was way up compared to the previous days. I took one set of herbs around 9 pm. My face is starting to break out again. In the exact same places I broke out on 'Day 6' in Thailand. But last time I stopped the next day, I have 15 more days to see if I can clear up whatever internal problem is causing me to flare up in this one particular spot (around the creases by my nostrils and the center of my forehead down the bridge of my nose.)
Cravings
Yesterday, no real cravings to report. I looked at some raw food porn. At least now my porn is turning to healthier things. Looking at my flat stomach it's hard to crave bad things. I also fell upon this website called c2k. Called couch to 5k. It's a running program that promises to get you from the couch to doing 5k in 9 weeks. I want to be a runner. But then I read about how bad it is for our knees and joints and whatnot so I reconsidered. But something is appealing to me about doing something most people hate. Maybe I'll do it, just to do it. I think it's important to have fitness goals. I don't have any right now. I really like swimming but there's something very disheartening knowing I'm jumping into a vat of chemicals (chlorine and god knows what else). And our skin is very absorptive. I'm going to keep taking lessons until I learn how to tread water. But after that, I think I'll take up another hobby. I just wanted to know how to swim.
***********
Overall. As I sit here in cross-legged position, my thighs are noticeably smaller, my stomach is noticeably flatter. The role that usually bulges over the waist of my pants is considerably smaller. And I feel good. Really good, which probably means another healing crisis is coming on.
I'm going to have more cucumber juice today. An enema. Yoga. and jump rope.
Dreams
I woke up this morning in a really vivid dream. I was at bandcamp and there were band moms. And I had a gf. She was eerily similar to Topanga from Boy Meets World both in character and physical appearance. She didn't talk much in my dream though, but it's as though we were communicating telepathically. She would smile at me or I would look into her eyes and I would know exactly what she was feeling/thinking/experiencing. At one point, we were separated, and I was looking for food, as I often did at Friday night football games, and there was a sandwich stand, and for some reason I convinced myself the philly steak meat was vegetarian faux meat, but there were wings there also, real wings cooked in gravy. So I got the sandwich (apparently with the real steak meat), and had her top it with some gravy from the wings. I felt slightly bad about the gravy, eating meat juice and all, but I rationalized that at least I wasn't eating flesh.
I bit into it and it tasted like heaven.. I'm not sure if it really tasted like heaven or if it was just a case of something denied, something 'bad' was being allowed to happen. Like the rubber band effect. I was just saying the other day that I was 98% sure I wouldn't eat meat again. So what does this all mean? Old cravings popping up? I mean band camp, really? How many years ago was that? Topanga? I had a serious crush on her but when was the last time I saw an episode of Boy Meets World to even conceptualize her so accurately consciously. But I guess I'm not dealing with my conscious. I'm dealing with my sub-conscious, and who the fuck knows what's going on in there.
Anyway. I ate half the sandwich and hid the rest in my bag. I don't know if I was hiding that I had been eating in general, or that I had been eating meat. When I went back to the band, we were praying or something before our performance, and Topanga look-a-like had saved a seat for me. We held hands. She told me she could smell the flesh on my breath. I was embarrassed. I woke up shortly thereafter.
Another dream I had was about my ex. I feel like she's haunting me. I mean, really. It's been 3 years. Why can't I let it go. I mean really let it, her, the pain, go. In the dream, I wasn't angry, I wasn't mourning. It was just like it had been. We were at some type of public event. We made eye-contact. And rush of feelings came. Good feelings. The feelings of having a crush on someone. I wasn't instantaneously planning our future together. I was just enjoying the moment. I think that's the thing I missed most about her, I was really living in the moment, experiencing it ALL to the fullest. the joy, the pain. All of it.
Anyway, somehow later we met up in a parking lot. I felt so attracted to her. I can't recall what happened after that.
After all this time, I'm still trying to figure out how and why I was attracted to someone who was/is? so fucked up.
I've given up on judging her. It happened, and I learned valuable things from our time together. I wish her the best, but what about me? What did I do wrong? Love her too much? Was I smothering her? Did I hurt her in some way she hasn't made me aware of? I'm not milking old pain, I'm just trying to intellectually understand what my part was in it all, because clearly that was a large part of my lesson that I'm going to have to re-learn at some point in the future. My biggest guess, now, here, 3 years later, is that I wasn't being authentic with myself. I was making concessions and allowances I shouldn't have made. I wasn't listening to my very, very loud intuition. I wasn't being present to my feelings. I was settling for less than what I wanted. I was a coward. I wad in denial, and wanted to be there. I hid behind e-mail, because I didn't want to see the truth in her eyes. I guess that's my answer. I've been mad at her for lying to me, but shit, I was lying to myself.
Coincidentally, I read this yesterday right before falling asleep:
'During any cleanse it’s inevitable that not only will you clear out toxins and old sludgy buildup, but old emotions will most likely be released as well. For some, this is unexpected and a little unsettling, but the best way to handle it is to look at those emotions or feelings as they’re surfacing. Don’t delve in and live in the past, just let them go. They no longer affect you, after you realize that they brought you to the place you are now, and that it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be. They do not affect your future. How you act and think right now is the only thing that affects your future, and that’s not meant to make us anxious or stressed, but to excite and enliven us as every moment is truly a gift full of promise and a chance to create exactly the future you want!"
I'll try to remember that.
Poo
No poo to speak of. I had a bit of gas last night after drinking about a liter? of fresh cucumber juice. I instantly felt tons better with the cucumber juice. I think my body was clearly missing some vital nutrients. Next time I do some shit like this, I'm going to prepare. As in eat raw for at least a week, if not longer.
Exercise
No yoga. No jump rope. Nothing.
Energy
Yesterday my energy was way up compared to the previous days. I took one set of herbs around 9 pm. My face is starting to break out again. In the exact same places I broke out on 'Day 6' in Thailand. But last time I stopped the next day, I have 15 more days to see if I can clear up whatever internal problem is causing me to flare up in this one particular spot (around the creases by my nostrils and the center of my forehead down the bridge of my nose.)
Cravings
Yesterday, no real cravings to report. I looked at some raw food porn. At least now my porn is turning to healthier things. Looking at my flat stomach it's hard to crave bad things. I also fell upon this website called c2k. Called couch to 5k. It's a running program that promises to get you from the couch to doing 5k in 9 weeks. I want to be a runner. But then I read about how bad it is for our knees and joints and whatnot so I reconsidered. But something is appealing to me about doing something most people hate. Maybe I'll do it, just to do it. I think it's important to have fitness goals. I don't have any right now. I really like swimming but there's something very disheartening knowing I'm jumping into a vat of chemicals (chlorine and god knows what else). And our skin is very absorptive. I'm going to keep taking lessons until I learn how to tread water. But after that, I think I'll take up another hobby. I just wanted to know how to swim.
***********
Overall. As I sit here in cross-legged position, my thighs are noticeably smaller, my stomach is noticeably flatter. The role that usually bulges over the waist of my pants is considerably smaller. And I feel good. Really good, which probably means another healing crisis is coming on.
I'm going to have more cucumber juice today. An enema. Yoga. and jump rope.
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